Friday, August 15, 2014

An Unexpected Ending

So the last blog post was me expressing my excitement for turning 7 weeks. I felt so perfectly pregnant, and our ultrasound was the next day. We were SO confident walking into the RE's office we would be seeing our beautiful baby(ies) heartbeat(s).
However, we didn't get the news we were expecting. We were shocked to find out that there were indeed two sacs, and I could have sworn I saw another sac...but they were all empty. The larger one I saw a lump against the wall next to the amniotic fluid. The smaller one we thought we had seen a yolk sac, but no fetal pole and definitely no baby/heartbeat. I immediately started crying. I knew this wasn't good. We were 100% sure on our dates because of the fact we did the trigger shot/IUI. The doctor came in and did a rescan, and confirmed our worst nightmare.
Neither baby had made it.
We were both in shock. I couldn't believe it. How could this happen to us. I mean what are the odds that neither baby would make it? Why did I have to go through this? I was so sick. I got so big. I felt so perfectly pregnant. Yet, no babies would be coming home with us. My heart felt shattered into a million pieces. They gave us 3 options. Wait for a natural miscarriage, take a pill to induce the miscarriage, or schedule the d&c. I honestly had no idea what to choose. I was leaning towards the d&c for many reasons. I didn't want to go through the pain of the miscarriage, I didn't want to see the tissue, and I didn't want to risk hemorrhaging...nor did I want to wait around for who knows how long and risk being in the middle of target when it started. We left almost immediately. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was bawling my eyes out and basically running out of the clinic. I pretty much laid around and cried all day. I felt like I was in a state of shock. I just couldn't believe there were TWO and neither made it. I still can't to be honest. That day Hubs stayed home with us, it was quiet and somber. There really wasnt much to say. The next morning I woke up and I just felt SO heavy. My heart felt heavy, my body felt heavy, and I started feeling cramps. After talking to Hubs some that day about what steps to take, we decided to schedule a repeat u/s for peace of mind before scheduling the d&c. I called the office and we made the appt for that Friday(originally it was for the following Monday but I didnt want to wait that long and we moved it up). So Friday we went in and confirmed what we had seen on Tuesday. However the smaller sac was now empty as well. It seems like the babies reabsorbed into the sacs. We scheduled the d&c for the following Thursday since thats the only day they had open the following week.
I continued to have cramping but then over the weekend I started feeling like I was getting the flu. I felt AWFUL. Body aches, kept breaking out in sweats, and just felt overall yucky. Every day seemed to get worse than the last, and the cramps would get more intense but still no spotting or bleeding of any kind. I kept checking for fever, because it truly felt like an infection but no fever so they just said I was probably just sick from the pregnancy hormones. By Wednesday I was so sick I literally couldn't leave my bed without assistance. I finally called them again and asked them if it was possible to have an infection without fever because at this point I was really concerned with how ill I felt. Looking back I felt like I was dying. I just felt so weak, so nauseous, so achey, it was horrible. They called back and wanted me to come in before my scheduled surgery time, and check me over. My SIL came and picked up little man and he went and stayed with them for 2 nights.
The next morning we got up early, which I wasn't happy about because I was originally planning on sleeping in since I had to fast for so long prior to surgery(which wasn't til 12:30pm). We got there and they checked me over, did another u/s and determined that it was just some odd reaction. However they were concerned because my lower abdomen hurt SO bad when they touched it that I started crying. They cleared me for surgery and we headed over to the hospital. We sat in the parking lot and played Uno for about 45 minutes as we had some time to kill and obviously going to a coffee shop or restaurant was out of the question. We went in and they checked us in and took us upstairs where my nurse was waiting for me in my room. She was so incredibly compassionate. It was a Godsend. We answered all their questions about medical history and all that jazz, and the reality of being there started to set in. I cried way more than I was expecting. Miles cried more than I was expecting. It was a very emotional time being there, knowing that when I left I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. They gave us the option of taking home the remains, or having them cremated, or having the hospital bury them. We hadn't even thought about that. We decided to opt for the hospital burial. It didn't seem right to just throw the remains away. Those were my babies. The nurse asked if we would like the on staff pastor to come and speak with us, and we felt that was very comforting and welcomed it with open arms. She came in and spoke to us about the grief we felt and really validated our emotions. She prayed with us, and it overall was very healing. It was time to go back and I started to cry pretty hard. He gave me a kiss and I lost it. Then I said I was sorry because I felt so bad that I just kept bursting into tears. I don't know why I felt guilty and embarrassed about that, but I did. All at the same time all three nurses said "No you don't ever apologize for that". Again I felt just so incredibly validated. This loss was real to someone other than me. Everyone kept telling me that we were in their prayers and they were so incredibly sorry for our loss. They wheeled me back to the OR in tears and before I knew it the oxygen mask was going on and she said I would feel some burning and then I was out cold. I remember waking up in recovery and looking at the clock and it was 1:20 or so. I think I drifted in and out for about 10 minutes. I kept looking around and noticed I had a few tissues in my hands so I asked the nurse if I had been crying and she said yes and its to be expected. Within about half an hour I was wheeled back to my "phase 2" room and the nurse went and got Miles and I finally ate some GF crackers and drank some sierra mist. Physically I felt SO much better. I had minimal cramping, and I just felt lighter in a good way(probably the pain meds LOL!). . . we stayed in that room I think for about an hour or so. This nurse again was very compassionate and just so encouraging. I went to the bathroom and initially there was blood like a period, but the next time I went there was hardly any spotting. Its been 36ish hours since the procedure and Ive had minimal cramping/spotting. However they forgot to give me meds to make my uterus to shrink down and I have to start that tonight, so Im nervous about if that will make me bleed more and be in more pain. My biggest thing right now is constipation from the anesthesia and narcotics so Im trying to avoid the narcotics as much as possible. I had a pretty bad migraine today, I am guessing I will continue to get them til my hormones level out. My post op appointment is in less than 2 weeks and we will know more then on what our game plan will be for TTC again.
As heartbreaking as this experience has been, I know that if we can stimulate my ovaries correctly and get good healthy eggs we will have a healthy baby or heck even twins. Now I legit know I can get pregnant with twins, and honestly I pray I do. I want redemption. Not that twins would replace the ones we lost, but I want what was stolen from us. And I am believing God for that. I decided last night I want to get a tattoo to memorialize our losses and our rainbow baby. However I need to figure out what and where...I would like to get it soon though. We will see what I decide on. I am sure I will have more to say in the coming weeks, I just wanted to write out what exactly has been happening in the past week and a half. Its been a nightmare of a week, but I feel like the healing has started and I can finally move forward.

Monday, August 4, 2014

7 Weeks

I am now 7 weeks pregnant. I just cant believe that! Tomorrow is our first ultrasound and we get to see baby's heartbeat. I. Can't. Wait. When we were praying over the cycle we got pregnant, we prayed double portion. So I am waiting to see if we have twins or just one. Either way I am convinced this baby is a girl. If its twins, well I'm thinking twin girls. Ha! I have been more sick this week and had to go to the ER for fluids on Saturday morning. I was never this sick with my son. Its crazy how different this time has been. Even my cravings and aversions are basically the opposite they were. It makes me laugh. I am well in maternity at this point. Im about as big as I was with H at 13 weeks already. Ive been getting lots of double takes from people who know me, but don't know the news yet. I wont be able to keep this a secret much longer. We will probably announce publicly later this week after we tell Hubs' work. I will update ya'll tomorrow after the ultrasound! So excited.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Well, Im pregnant.

So lots has happened since my last blog post. The biggest thing is that we did our hail mary IUI cycle before doing IVF and low and behold conceived our second little miracle. I had my first beta yesterday and it was 63 at 14dpo. I have a repeat tomorrow and then we will get to schedule our first ultrasound! I am counting down.

I figured a pregnancy blog would be good so here are some questions I see lots of other moms use in their pregnancy blog posts :)

How far along: 4 weeks!

Total weight gain: 0 lbs
Maternity clothes: Im so bloated this time around if I need to wear anything nicer than my yoga leggings it must be maternity. EEEK! 
Stretch marks: Not any new ones
Sleep: Insomnia is hitting hard and furious. 
Best moment of this week: Finding out our second little miracle is on its way!!! 
Miss anything: Omission beer and sleep... But its worth it :)
Movement: Not yet! 
Food cravings: Im really not hungry. Nothing sounds good, but no real cravings yet. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: EVERYTHING.
Have you started to show yet: Just the bloat, y'all. 
Gender: I have a feeling its a girl :) We will see! 
Labor signs:  Newp.
Belly button in or out: In.
Wedding rings on or off: On. Yup. 
Happy or moody most of the time: More weepy than anything. 
Looking forward to: Next beta draw tomorrow and then scheduling our 7 week ultrasound! 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Diminished Ovarian Reserve

Last week we got a devastating diagnosis and honestly my heart broke deeper than it had before.

I am 26 years old and am facing diminished ovarian reserve. Basically that means I am running out of eggs.

You know.... I never thought my heart could break deeper than it had in the 3 years we waited for our son. The trials we went through, the heartbreak, the losses, the unknown seemed so overwhelming. However, I would be one of the lucky ones I told myself. You know.. the ones whose pregnancy "fixed" them.

I had faith.

I assumed if we tempted fate enough, we would have an "oopsie" prior to #1 turning 6 months. Then that came and went, and I thought well surely by the time he is 1 we will have another miracle on the way....because thats how it always happens. Before I knew it his first birthday had passed as well and I realized my body was back to the same old stuff so we started to prepare for fertility treatments. We even downsized our house and moved to try and hopefully save for the thousands of dollars we knew we would have to come up with. And then about two months after we moved we got the best news we had ever received. Hubs' job just so happened to switch insurance companies and went through a group in a state with mandated fertility coverage. I bawled and thanked God right then and there. I knew at that moment we would need fertility treatments again. People kept saying they were praying and believing for a natural conception, but I KNEW that meant we would need it. God provided something we didn't even know was possible to pray for, and that was His way of blessing this path and providing the means.

I had peace.

Its been 6 months since we received that news.  We did a round of treatment in April that ended in another miscarriage, and decided to go see the doctor who got us pregnant with Henry in Omaha. I didn't want to, but I just felt like this is what we needed to do. So we made an appointment for their soonest appointment..which was not for another 2 months. About a month after I made my appointment I started to feel this urgency that we needed to see her sooner. So I called to see if they had any cancellations, the receptionist was so sweet. She said no, but to feel free to call a few times a week and if there was anything and she remembered my name she would let me know. That was on Wednesday June 4th. Then on Friday June 6th I just felt like I should call again. I almost didn't, because I had just talked to her 2 days prior, but Im so thankful I did...because she had someone cancel just an hour before I called. I about fell over when she said the appointment was for the following Monday morning. We took it.

At the appointment we discussed many things, but one of my major concerns was my LH:FSH ratio. From the minimal stuff that I had researched online, my ratio suggested DOR...aka diminished ovarian reserve. When I brought that to her attention she said she wanted to see what my AMH levels were at and then we would start treatment as soon as my period arrived. Then I kind of forgot that she ran that test. On Friday June 13th I got the call when we were driving to Denver to visit my mom. The nurse was calling to let me know that my AMH was only .819 and that we would need to be more aggressive than we thought as that meant I had DOR. Then she said we would discuss it more when I came in for my sonohysterogram. I was in shock so I thanked her and hung up. And then I googled. And googled. And googled some more. And sobbed. And then sobbed harder. I stared off in the distance wondering what this would mean for our future. I apologized to Miles through my tears over and over again. Fear gripped me in a way I didn't know was possible. A lot I was reading said that some doctors wont even do IVF with someone with these kinds of numbers. And if they did, it would be better to just do donor eggs. Miles was quiet all the way, as was I between the sobs. That weekend I could hardly stop crying, or even eat and sleep.

My peace was gone. Fear gripped me.

On Monday I decided to call the nurse back and see if I could talk to someone before I had to come in as that was still at least 2 weeks away. She said that she thinks the doctor will want to do at least one round of shots and IUI before moving onto IVF to see how I will respond and it will be more aggressive than we were thinking it would be.
I was somewhat satisfied with that answer but asked her if I could talk to the doctor directly. She said that she would call me back, but it was Thursday June 19th before my doctor could call back. She reassured me that we would have another baby(and another one if we wanted to try for more in a couple years). She recommended doing a more aggressive IUI cycle first, and then we could discuss IVF. As hard as it was to not jump straight to IVF I decided that she knew what she was doing and it would be better to know how I respond before doing IVF so we don't waste coverage. So thats where we are today. I got my period on Friday, and my saline sono is scheduled for this Thursday at 8am. If that shows everything is ok I am to start 2.5mg of Femara(Letrozole) for 5 days. On day 3 of the Femara I will start twice daily shots of 75iu Bravelle for a total of 150iu of Bravelle a day. We will do IUI once I have hopefully a couple mature eggs ready to go. I'm guessing it will be sometime around the 4th of July. I have never done a combo cycle, so this will be interesting. With Henry's conception, I had 4 follicles but my E2 levels were under 300 so likely only 1 good egg. However it was our first IUI and we got our little boy so it was perfect! Hoping for better results this go round. I would love to have 2-3 good eggs available. We will see what happens though!

If you took the time to read this, thank you and Im sorry LOL! I put a lot of info into this post, mainly for my own benefit. I like to record details that way I can refer back to this in the future. 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Pregnitude, and a whole slew of supplements.

Soo today my mind is on the amount of supplements I just started taking. Its not even a record, but here is what I am taking and in what dosage:

Pregnitude: 2 packets a day

Magnesium: 800mg: 6 pills
Maca Root: 2000-3000mg: 4-6 pills
Chlorella: 4000-7000g: 6-8pills
I am also on Metformin. Another 2 pills. 
Plus all my allergy meds. Oy. 
My gag reflex is already starting to act up. Haha.

We have been waiting for baby #2 since January '13, which puts us right around 18 months TTC. The first time around we waited for 3 years before his sweet face showed up. I prefer to say "we waited" instead of "we struggled". Mainly because God has used our story so much already, I am confident He has the perfect birthday for baby #2 in mind. As hard as some days are, I absolutely know it will be ok. Right now I am just trying to lose more weight(failing miserably at that!), and getting my eggs healthy so we can start back at shots/IUI in July. Follistim and IUI worked the first time when we got pregnant with Henry, so Im hoping it works relatively quickly this go around as well.