Friday, August 15, 2014

An Unexpected Ending

So the last blog post was me expressing my excitement for turning 7 weeks. I felt so perfectly pregnant, and our ultrasound was the next day. We were SO confident walking into the RE's office we would be seeing our beautiful baby(ies) heartbeat(s).
However, we didn't get the news we were expecting. We were shocked to find out that there were indeed two sacs, and I could have sworn I saw another sac...but they were all empty. The larger one I saw a lump against the wall next to the amniotic fluid. The smaller one we thought we had seen a yolk sac, but no fetal pole and definitely no baby/heartbeat. I immediately started crying. I knew this wasn't good. We were 100% sure on our dates because of the fact we did the trigger shot/IUI. The doctor came in and did a rescan, and confirmed our worst nightmare.
Neither baby had made it.
We were both in shock. I couldn't believe it. How could this happen to us. I mean what are the odds that neither baby would make it? Why did I have to go through this? I was so sick. I got so big. I felt so perfectly pregnant. Yet, no babies would be coming home with us. My heart felt shattered into a million pieces. They gave us 3 options. Wait for a natural miscarriage, take a pill to induce the miscarriage, or schedule the d&c. I honestly had no idea what to choose. I was leaning towards the d&c for many reasons. I didn't want to go through the pain of the miscarriage, I didn't want to see the tissue, and I didn't want to risk hemorrhaging...nor did I want to wait around for who knows how long and risk being in the middle of target when it started. We left almost immediately. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was bawling my eyes out and basically running out of the clinic. I pretty much laid around and cried all day. I felt like I was in a state of shock. I just couldn't believe there were TWO and neither made it. I still can't to be honest. That day Hubs stayed home with us, it was quiet and somber. There really wasnt much to say. The next morning I woke up and I just felt SO heavy. My heart felt heavy, my body felt heavy, and I started feeling cramps. After talking to Hubs some that day about what steps to take, we decided to schedule a repeat u/s for peace of mind before scheduling the d&c. I called the office and we made the appt for that Friday(originally it was for the following Monday but I didnt want to wait that long and we moved it up). So Friday we went in and confirmed what we had seen on Tuesday. However the smaller sac was now empty as well. It seems like the babies reabsorbed into the sacs. We scheduled the d&c for the following Thursday since thats the only day they had open the following week.
I continued to have cramping but then over the weekend I started feeling like I was getting the flu. I felt AWFUL. Body aches, kept breaking out in sweats, and just felt overall yucky. Every day seemed to get worse than the last, and the cramps would get more intense but still no spotting or bleeding of any kind. I kept checking for fever, because it truly felt like an infection but no fever so they just said I was probably just sick from the pregnancy hormones. By Wednesday I was so sick I literally couldn't leave my bed without assistance. I finally called them again and asked them if it was possible to have an infection without fever because at this point I was really concerned with how ill I felt. Looking back I felt like I was dying. I just felt so weak, so nauseous, so achey, it was horrible. They called back and wanted me to come in before my scheduled surgery time, and check me over. My SIL came and picked up little man and he went and stayed with them for 2 nights.
The next morning we got up early, which I wasn't happy about because I was originally planning on sleeping in since I had to fast for so long prior to surgery(which wasn't til 12:30pm). We got there and they checked me over, did another u/s and determined that it was just some odd reaction. However they were concerned because my lower abdomen hurt SO bad when they touched it that I started crying. They cleared me for surgery and we headed over to the hospital. We sat in the parking lot and played Uno for about 45 minutes as we had some time to kill and obviously going to a coffee shop or restaurant was out of the question. We went in and they checked us in and took us upstairs where my nurse was waiting for me in my room. She was so incredibly compassionate. It was a Godsend. We answered all their questions about medical history and all that jazz, and the reality of being there started to set in. I cried way more than I was expecting. Miles cried more than I was expecting. It was a very emotional time being there, knowing that when I left I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. They gave us the option of taking home the remains, or having them cremated, or having the hospital bury them. We hadn't even thought about that. We decided to opt for the hospital burial. It didn't seem right to just throw the remains away. Those were my babies. The nurse asked if we would like the on staff pastor to come and speak with us, and we felt that was very comforting and welcomed it with open arms. She came in and spoke to us about the grief we felt and really validated our emotions. She prayed with us, and it overall was very healing. It was time to go back and I started to cry pretty hard. He gave me a kiss and I lost it. Then I said I was sorry because I felt so bad that I just kept bursting into tears. I don't know why I felt guilty and embarrassed about that, but I did. All at the same time all three nurses said "No you don't ever apologize for that". Again I felt just so incredibly validated. This loss was real to someone other than me. Everyone kept telling me that we were in their prayers and they were so incredibly sorry for our loss. They wheeled me back to the OR in tears and before I knew it the oxygen mask was going on and she said I would feel some burning and then I was out cold. I remember waking up in recovery and looking at the clock and it was 1:20 or so. I think I drifted in and out for about 10 minutes. I kept looking around and noticed I had a few tissues in my hands so I asked the nurse if I had been crying and she said yes and its to be expected. Within about half an hour I was wheeled back to my "phase 2" room and the nurse went and got Miles and I finally ate some GF crackers and drank some sierra mist. Physically I felt SO much better. I had minimal cramping, and I just felt lighter in a good way(probably the pain meds LOL!). . . we stayed in that room I think for about an hour or so. This nurse again was very compassionate and just so encouraging. I went to the bathroom and initially there was blood like a period, but the next time I went there was hardly any spotting. Its been 36ish hours since the procedure and Ive had minimal cramping/spotting. However they forgot to give me meds to make my uterus to shrink down and I have to start that tonight, so Im nervous about if that will make me bleed more and be in more pain. My biggest thing right now is constipation from the anesthesia and narcotics so Im trying to avoid the narcotics as much as possible. I had a pretty bad migraine today, I am guessing I will continue to get them til my hormones level out. My post op appointment is in less than 2 weeks and we will know more then on what our game plan will be for TTC again.
As heartbreaking as this experience has been, I know that if we can stimulate my ovaries correctly and get good healthy eggs we will have a healthy baby or heck even twins. Now I legit know I can get pregnant with twins, and honestly I pray I do. I want redemption. Not that twins would replace the ones we lost, but I want what was stolen from us. And I am believing God for that. I decided last night I want to get a tattoo to memorialize our losses and our rainbow baby. However I need to figure out what and where...I would like to get it soon though. We will see what I decide on. I am sure I will have more to say in the coming weeks, I just wanted to write out what exactly has been happening in the past week and a half. Its been a nightmare of a week, but I feel like the healing has started and I can finally move forward.
















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